Elusive Diversions

elusive exclusivity – hey, it rhymes

Earlier today, when explaining to my favorite instructor why she saw me crying on my phone in the hall before class, I heard myself say something rather profound about myself: I handle stress rather well until it handles me.

Late last night and early-enough this morning, I began to have my version of an anxiety attack. It’s been quite a while since this has happened, the last time — that I remember — it happened was when I lived in my apartment over a year and a half ago. I had a couple during those two years alone in my snug little cave, but that was because I was alone and unsure of my life. Why would have one now, of all times, surrounded by family and pursuing a dream that I have had for years?

Probably because I am still alone and still unsure of everything in my life. Regardless that I am living with my parents, I am utterly and completely alone; I do not talk with my parents – that’s not our thing. And, my best friend lives over a thousand miles away. And, I have no male companion — for the last 3 years. Add to the loneliness the fact that I am about to spend 5+ days cooped up with my parents during which 3 of days will also be with my brother, sister-in-law, and their two kids (who I love dearly) in a three bedroom condo on Myrtle Beach. For Thanksgiving. Oh – I have so much to be thankful for.

On top of all that, I have less than three weeks of school left before I graduate. For one thing, the senioritis is in full-gear, particularly because I have only three classes this semester and one group project that is going to hell in a handbasket, simply because it is a group project with Communications students at The Universtity of Total Apathy (UTA). Then, of course, I graduate. No stress there, right?

Finally (at least in this scheme of things), I have that guy I met a few weeks back also acting as a stressor in my life. It took four “dates” to get him to kiss me beyond a sweet yet quick goodnight kiss. And on that fourth “date” I had to work hard to get to the makeout stage. Oh, and lots of beer. I mean, LOTS of beer (not so much for me, however). But, oh, did I enjoy myself on Sunday night (get your mind out of the gutter – nothing below the belt!). So last night, I hang out with him, watching T.V. and ‘chatting’. He does not make a single move on me. In fact, I am back to thinking that really, this guy NEEDS beer to like me enough to want to touch me. As I am leaving, because the news has come on and I admit to him that I am pretty bored, I stop and ask him if I may ask him a question. I try to muster up the courage to ask what I really want to ask, and only come out with, “Did you have fun on Sunday?” To which he replies, “Uhh… YEAAAh” (with that “Duuu-uhh” tone), and then proceeds to cross his eyes like “what a crazy question”. He walks me to my car, inspects my car, as if it is more interesting than me, while I stand there shivering. Then, he comments that he isn’t very cold at all, watching me shiver. I tell him that cold air blowing on me makes me cold, like A/Cs and the like. He then says something to the effect of, “Well, then you’re pretty much screwed where ever you go.” (He’s wry in his tone.) I just answer back that I am usually sure to have a jacket around, or maybe someone to hug me to warm me up — yeah, major hint. He takes it, and wraps his arms around mine, though it’s a bit uncomfortable, like the motions are being executed without feeling. We chat face to face for another minute or two, he plants an ever-so-slightly-lingering kiss on my mouth as we start to part. I think I said something else sort of stupid here, like, “I guess I was a just expecting more…” He gets a quizzical look on his face and sort of ignores the comment, plants another kiss on my lips, unwraps his arms from me and tells me to have a goodnight, sleep well, all that stuff… He says he’s sorry that he was so preoccupied with the long day he worked earlier, and I get into my car, he into his apartment, and I drive home thinking, “WHAT?”

I am actually rather exhausted when I get home, but my mind is racing. I refuse to let it keep me up, thinking it’s just mind over matter. First, I decide to write John a little note saying that I enjoyed visiting with him and hope to see him again soon, and he replies rather quickly saying simply that he’s glad I got home safe, apologized again for his preoccupation, and then wished me a good day at work today. Of course, my brain latches onto the fact that he ignored the “hope to see you again soon” portion of my email. But, what you wouldn’t guess is that I felt bad that he felt he needed to apologize at all.

I climb into bed, yet instead of doing my regular crossword puzzle routine, I try to write some feelings in an old journal. I couldn’t get it out, so I go back to crosswords and by 12:10am my eyes are weary enough to try and sleep. Yet, I couldn’t. My brain? It just kep running. About everything. John, school, work, family, etc. After an hour or two of this I realized, I am completely stressed out.

I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO MYRTLE BEACH, but I have to.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET MYSELF THROUGH THE NEXT THREE WEEKS OF SCHOOL, but I have to.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER GRADUATION, but I will have to figure it out.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN LIVE WITH MY PARENTS, but I will have to, for a while at least.

I DO NOT HAVE ANY MALE PROSPECTS, other than John, AND I AM SO LONELY FOR LOVE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY, yet I can’t do much about it.

I am simply not in a good place right now. I just want to curl up under the covers for a week and cry. But I can’t. Then, everyone will know that I cannot handle the little stresses of life, which is generally something people credit me for being able to do.

Mainly, the problem comes down to that last stressor: I am plainly lonely. I have no one to ‘come home to’ and share the burden with. I must handle all this alone, yet that in itself is the problem.