Elusive Diversions

elusive exclusivity – hey, it rhymes

Over the years I’ve been shocked to see signs in ladies restrooms telling us females to not “flush feminine products down the toilet.” I get it if maybe the restroom is used by young girls who are still learning the rules of this dreaded part of womanhood, but… Seriously? In an office? An office whose female population is at youngest maybe 23?

Seriously? How many times need we be told to keep the products that keep us fresh out of the commode?

I just want to know who is that dense?

/rant

Today marks the last [week]day of relatively complete freedom for me. Come 9:00 AM Monday morning, I will be reporting to a new gig I managed to snag quite easily not more than a week after graduating college. Since graduation, I have done practically nothing. My intentions were grand: take a week or two road-trip on my own to places undecided (I considered Colorado Springs to join my brother and his family). However, I just couldn’t make myself get up or out to do anything. I blame in part the process of being interviewed and hired as keeping me essentially bolted to my blood-red leather La-Z-Boy recliner and my desk chair. But, really, in this day and age, cell phone in hand, I could have gone somewhere and never missed a beat.

More probable the reason I stayed not just close to home but at home is that it simply felt the best thing to do at the time. Now, I have a few regrets about ‘wasting’ my “free” time, but ultimately it’s been quite rejuvenating. The only real downside to this respite is that my “home” is my parents’; this in and of itself presents a less-than-relaxing experience on several levels (for instance, now, as I listen to my mother huff her way through making dinner – she’s an extremely uptight and sorta pissed-off person, and everything is an ordeal to her). However, I digress…

I have to admit, I don’t necessarily believe that my ‘freedom’ is coming to an end. In fact, one might argue that the complete opposite is true: that with this new life I will find other ways of exploring my personal freedom. I will be financially able to support myself and do things that I have put off doing for a couple of years. And, socializing with people my own age (generally) and who are not my parents will help open me up again. (There is something to be said for the social effects of a job.)

I will, however, miss the late mornings and casual primping routine that I have come to love and adore these last few months. Ahh… memories.

This past Wednesday, I officially ended my career as an undergraduate student by completing my final in a grammar class at 9:00am. However, today is the day that I partake in the formality of walking across a stage, wearing a cap, gown, tassel, and honors cord, to accept a ceremonial diploma before the eyes of my parents and a few friends. In the past, I hadn’t given much thought to whether or not this ceremony meant something to me; I’m actually still not completely convinced that it does. But all in all, I do believe that it means something to not only me, but my family as well.

It has taken me 15 years to complete my Bachelor’s Degree. What with changing schools several times, having a career in there for almost 10 years, a marriage, and subsequently, a divorce, the life path I had chosen was by far not a straight line. But I got here. And now I should be able to pursue a dream I have had for a long time, to teach. And that? I suppose that is what makes this ceremony even the more worthwhile.

Earlier today, when explaining to my favorite instructor why she saw me crying on my phone in the hall before class, I heard myself say something rather profound about myself: I handle stress rather well until it handles me.

Late last night and early-enough this morning, I began to have my version of an anxiety attack. It’s been quite a while since this has happened, the last time — that I remember — it happened was when I lived in my apartment over a year and a half ago. I had a couple during those two years alone in my snug little cave, but that was because I was alone and unsure of my life. Why would have one now, of all times, surrounded by family and pursuing a dream that I have had for years?

Would that just not be the BOMB? I think I would market it to women, primarily.

I’m talking about a device that can be used to turn off our brains when they start thinking too much. You know, to behave more like a man’s brain. I mean, seriously, what is UP with all the analyzing that goes on in our female minds? Why do we have to go to sleep each night thinking about how all the crap we did today didn’t really get as done as we thought; or, why, when we meet someone new – say a guy, for instance – we have to create all sorts of scenarios regarding what he said in that email or voice mail?

Yeah, you guessed it… I met a guy and I’m experiencing hyper-thinking activity. Does he really like me? Why didn’t he call? Is he mad at me? Am I too clingy? Do I need to chill out and let him have his space? Why didn’t he KISS me on that third date? Are we dating now, or are we just ‘hanging out’? Is he beer-goggling me? ARRRRGGGHHH!

I want it to stop. I know it’s insane. Completely and utterly insane. But no matter what I do, I CANNOT STOP THE VOICES that question Every. Single. Last. Word.

If you find the device that can turn off my brain (barring death), please, I beg you, let me know.

In just under a month, I will graduate from The University of Texas at Arlington with my undergraduate degree from the College of Liberal Arts. I chose a degree that many people consider “light”, and although I agree that it is so, especially at UTA, it is a topic I am interested in continuing to pursue as a graduate student. I am just happy that I am finally finishing my Bachelor’s degree, and that I will be more suited to find employment outside my previous career path. No, a BA is never guarantee that a job will be hovering on the horizon, but I will feel more apt to acquire a position, somwhere.

I will be the first of my generation across my family to achieve this, which is another thing to consider in my list of accomplishments. My father is the only one in his family to have not only graduated college, but to have sought and successfully completed both a Master’s and a PhD. The only other person in our family to have completed a degree is my Uncle Russ; however, he is a relation by marriage, which makes my degree even more meaningful to my family.

And now I have a dilemma: should I legally change my name back to my maiden name so that my degree will represent who I am and where I came from, or does it even really matter? Though I have been divorced three years, I decided to keep my ex-husband’s name for two reasons: 1) It was easier, and 2) It is sort of a cool name, from which I feel I garner more attention/remain in people’s memory better. But as I approach graduation, I am not really certain just “who” I really am. I have recently decided that there is a third reason I have not changed my name back: I do not feel my maiden name fits me, and it holds some bad memories (in sixth grade a fellow unpopular student made himself a hair more popular by rhyming my last name with an animal known for its large girth; something I was also representative of).

The decision has not come as yet. And, it is a conversation that will continue to play in my mind for not only the coming weeks, but well into my new life.

I am happy to be graduating, though. It has not been a difficult ride, and UTA is certainly not a very challenging school — at least not for me — but it is a huge accomplishment, regardless.

Now, if anyone knows of a job, let me know.

Though this is certainly unimpressive by most standards of people my age, I accomplished something this morning that I just had to jot down.

I stayed awake after feeding my dogs at 7:22am.

Seriously, this is a big step for me. I’ve been lazing around since the spring semester ended in May, getting up around 9am or later (lately, *later*). And I’ve been sluggish all day. And, as usual, I tell myself I need to get up and stay up. Yet, it never works. I’m not naturally a morning person, in terms of jumping out of bed and otherwise springing to life. I’ll go to bed thinking, “I will get up and do X, Y, and Z…” but then morning rolls around and though I mumble to myself that I need to get up, I wind up snuggling deep into my pillows deciding the moment is better in bed than elsewhere.

But, I absolutely LOVE being awake early! Especially during the summer in Texas – the air is at its coolest. And, things are so quiet and serene. And this morning, I did it! Let’s see if tomorrow I can repeat the event.

Just yesterday, I finally finished the second required essay, this time describing my motivation. In it, applicants are asked to describe why they want to be a Peace Corps Volunteer as well as how those reasons fit with their experience and goals.

Here is my stab:

So… I need to write two 250-500 word essays, answering two questions, in order to complete my application to the Peace Corps. Of course, I’m working far to hard on these, and have procrastinated for nearly two months in compeleting them. Some would say that if I really wanted to join the Peace Corps that it would come naturally to me. Well, that’s not the issue. The topics have come naturally, just writing out them in 500 words or less while answering the questions the way I think they want to hear is fairly daunting.

The first question I have found to be the most difficult, and thus it is the one I forced myself to finish first (normally I would focus on the easier of the two to furhter procrastinate). Here is the topic:

“Peace Corps Volunteers must be open to ideas and cultures different from their own and may need to modify their appearance or behavior appropriately. Give an example (between 250-500 words) of a significant experience that illustrates your ability to adapt in an unfamiliar environment. Please highlight the skills you used and the perspectives you gained. You may draw from experiences in your work, school, or community in the U.S. or abroad. Please list the date(s) of your experience.”

UPDATE: The day after I posted this, when I got into my car, I saw THE CRACK. What had for a long time been just a small rock ‘ding’ in the windshield (high on the passenger side), had overnight sprouted legs. One legs extends to the passenger-side edge, the other is slowly (or is it quickly in the relative time it has taken to sprout in the first place?) moving towards the south/central area of the windshield. Oh, pleasant surprise. AND, I hadn’t mentioned this before, as it had resolved itself… my “service engine soon” light had come on the day after I got my tires changed. It was on until the day after my radiator busted. Well, dreams are just that, dreams. Two days ago, it was on again. Someone is testing me… I can feel it!

Back in mid-May, I had a fairly minor fender-bender in a local shopping center parking lot. The other driver was at fault, yet she turned out to be uninsured, even though she gave me insurance information. She claimed her estranged husband (they were separated) had not renewed the insurance – IN FEBRUARY. However, I was told, by the agency, the policy was cancelled, not dropped. Maybe a mere semantical technicality, but nonetheless too fishy for me. I’ve sent her the estimates and threatened to file a claim in court, but she is damn good at ignoring people (the story is much longer, but I don’t want to get into the grisly details again).